Shortly after their “Flawless Remix” was named TIME’s number one song of the year, Nicki and B released “Feeling Myself,” the fifth single from the Pinkprint (out 12/15). Is it too early to anticipate a Watch The Tiara album? No? Ok, I will begin the vigil.
Ugh, nevermind, “watch the tiara” sounds dumb (dammit, Claire’s!), so the album will have to be be called Watch The Lorraine-Schwartz-Oversized-Black-Jade-And-White-Diamond-Earrings until I can find a better name for royal headgear made specifically for women.
Beyoncé recently released the Platinum Edition of her 2013 bombshell Beyoncé. The reissue includes four remixes of previously released songs, two new songs and videos from her tours in the past year. In one of the new songs, “7/11,” Yon-cé raps about drinking, dancing and gambling over a trap beat. The accompanying home-movie-style video opens with the singer dancing alone on a balcony dressed with a sweatshirt with the word “Kale” on it, and evolves to include more dancers and even more wacky apparel.
Seeing this video was especially hard for me, as I was wait-listed at Kale University. Eventually rejected, I was forced to pursue a different degree at a smaller school, but I’ve always wondered what my life would’ve been like if I had worked harder in high school. I could’ve majored in Cross-Fit or Finding Ways of Working Your Paleo Diet into Conversation or Pilates Equipment Design, or maybe, just maybe, I could’ve enrolled in Kale University’s most prestigious program: The Gwyneth Paltrow College of Green Smoothie Blending.
Beyoncé released “Partition,” as a single this past spring, but to much less fanfare than a typical Beyoncé single since her album debut sneak-attack in December.
I assumed everyone loved “Partition,” but it appears there’s at least one person who does not, Monica Lewinsky, who didn’t appreciate the lyrics, “He popped all my buttons and he ripped my blouse / He Monica Lewinski’d all on my gown.” Lewinsky criticized Beyoncé’s track in the latest issue of Vanity Fair saying, “Thanks, Beyoncé, but if we’re verbing, I think you meant ‘Bill Clinton’d all on my gown,’ not ‘Monica Lewinsky’’d’.”
The article goes on to say, “this [piece] is not about Me versus the Clintons.” Uh, yeah Mon, now we know – it’s about You versus the Carters, and they’re a lot more powerful. Just ask Kelly Rowland…
Never one to miss an opportunity to steal the spotlight, Kanye West remixed Beyoncé’s single “Drunk In Love” with his signature style. The song begins with an homage to Nelson Mandela (of course), then segues to Kanye’s x-rated lyrics about Kim over a reworked instrumental: “Woo! Cause you a milf and I’m a motherfucker … You reverse, you reverse, and I pregnated your mouth, girl, ooooh.” subtle.
Since the original song features lyrical give and take between Beyonce and Jay Z, I keep waiting for Kim to come in with her verse… oh, she doesn’t sing?
…what does she do?
cigars on ice noun \si-ˈgärz\ \ˈȯn\ \ˈīs\ A phrase used to describe a man taking a cold shower to relieve his boner. Cigars on ice, cigars on ice.
…Beyoncé Knowles, the William Shakespeare of our time.
“XO” is the first single off Beyoncé’s eponymous fifth album. The song’s title comes not from the chorus, but lyrics from the bridge, “I love you like XO, you love me like XO, you kill me boy XO.”
C’mon Beyoncé. “I love you like XO”? — “I love you like hugs and kisses”?? That doesn’t even make sense. It’s like this woman can’t do anything right…
Can we talk about how weird Beyonce has been about releasing singles lately? Leaking them online, or plugging them into one of your endorsements is not the same as promoting a single. The promotion for her last album, 4, was pretty weak too.
She hasn’t released “Bow Down/I Been On” or “Grown Woman” (aka the Pepsi song) as singles, nor has she revealed any info on her fifth album. Now another song, “Standing on the Sun,” has appeared online. You may recognize it from her H&M tv ads where she looks hideous as usual.
I think I need to have a word with her.
This week The Carters are tackling a widespread problem: bitches.
B goes after her detractors (you mean… there’s people who don’t like Beyonce?) saying, “I know when you were little girls/ You dreamt of being in my world/ Don’t forget it, don’t forget it/ Respect that: Bow down, bitches.” I cannot fathom what would give someone such inflated sense of self-worth. A shrine of your own trophies and awards, perhaps?
Unfortunately, at the time of this posting, there is no permanent cure for bitches.